Context

I love the series “Chuck”, and I am fortunate to have been watching the new season online. What is strange though, is while you watch the episodes one after another; every episode begins with a summary of what happened up to that point. This is done, because naturally people watch these episodes not one after the other, but on a weekly basis when it is broadcast, and people tend to forget what happened previously. This summary not only summaries the previous episode, but also what happened in episodes before that. It is logical that if you do not know the context of what happened, you will have no clue as to what is about to happen in the current episode.

The definition of context is information of things that happened in the past that shed light on the understanding of the current situation. It is the story of people’s journey and what brought them to this point, their thinking, ideas and culture. Context is important because without the story, I am sure to make assumptions, and the current episode I am watching will make no sense. My great grandmother used to say: “Child, you have no idea how somebody’s feet feel if you have not walked in their shoes”.

In psychiatry sessions, the therapist asks questions. There are many jokes about this, but they do it for a reason. You are not where you are by accident. There is a story behind the story, and your story gives us the answer about why you are here. It tells us why you feel like you do and what caused this feeling, why you are acting the way you are and how you are going to handle things in the future and react to situations. Every single person has a context or a story.

To explain the context further, let us use the example of making sums. Let us for example use the number 2 as our answer. My question about the context helps me to understand what happened above the line that led to the answer. It is that a-ha moment where you understand that the other person added up 1 and 1 to get to 2. Context is important, because it helps us to understand the full equation.

I can therefore only understand those around me completely, when I understand their full equation. We know what happens when we “assume”, we make an ass of u and me. There are also many ways to get to the answer of 2, you can also deduct 1 from 3. But that is your natural way to get to the answer of 2, but that is not the only way.

In your own existence, and in relationships with other people, we know that you first have to understand before you can be understood. Many relationships end in disaster because of a lack of knowledge about the other person’s context. There might be many reasons, but there are two main reasons for this. The first is obviously assumptions (thinking that everybody thinks and acts in the same manner as me, and look at the world through the same colored glasses as me), and also the inability to accept the other individuals way of thinking and doing as another option on how to get to the answer. Then we also tend to manipulate them to do things the way I do them.

In both situations, leaving out the context has nothing to do with the other person, but has to do with me. Not to take the context into account tends to show that I do not care. In my career in sales, I have learned that to build trust in the customer, I need to let them tell me their story. Where they come from, how many children they have, where they went to school etc. People love it when we ask them to tell us their stories. Although our aim is selfish is sales, you can only sell to people that trust you, and the easiest way to gain trust is by asking them about their context. The principle is the same in every relationship that I am involved in. People that care and who love us, are interested in my stories and they give me the opportunity to tell them.

When we allow people to tell their stories, it is acknowledgement of their humanity. It is being interested in people and accepting that everybody has his or her own story. And the more you cultivate the storytelling process, the more people will trust you and the more you will get to know somebody. The more you know about somebody, the better your relationship will be.

It is like your wife coming home from work in a bad mood. By enquiring about the background, and hearing the story that her boss asked her to do something at the last moment just before she wanted to leave, sheds light on the situation. If I do not give her the opportunity to tell her story, she would feel that I can see her mood, but that I do not care enough to ask. Furthermore, I might assume that I did something wrong and that I was somehow at fault.

By asking questions, you understand the situations you are in so much better. You can get to know how somebody “works”; you sit with the answer of 2, but if you know that you are working with an “adding” person, will help you a lot. You will then know that, because they work in a certain way, and you want a certain answer, give them numbers that they can add up. Although people might surprise you from time to time, we are creatures of habit, and in most situations will act the same way over and over again. They might want to be subtracting people, but they can not always go back into history and change their basic make-up.

It is a much more peaceful method to handle people the way they are, as to expect from people not to be similar to their context, and to be something that they are not. I can therefore not criticize people for their context, because a lot of their behavior is not always their own choice. I must accept people as they are, and not how I expect them to be, which is true love. What does it really matter if somebody is an add up person and I am a subtracting person, as long as we get to the same answer that satisfies both of us.

We can always learn to communicate better, but for this we need to know the other person. If I am in a situation and I have the numbers 3 and 1, and I know that the other person is an add up person, I can help them to understand that in this situation, they need to bend over backwards, and subtract. I am not doing this to be critical about who they are and that they are wrong, but in being adaptable to the information at hand, and understanding that adding up will not work here. Trust also plays a big role, being trusted to lead somebody with love on how to get to the correct answers by changing the method that they are used to.

Furthermore, if you require the answer of 2, and you know that the other person will most probably add the two numbers given together, don’t be stupid to give them two numbers that will not add up and call them stupid. Rather give them numbers that will lead to the correct answer. This type of behavior will also lead to more trust, because you acknowledge the other person by giving them a stress-free exercise, devoid of any drama and critique.

We know the saying: “Every whore has her story”. Although I have a context of my own, it doesn’t mean that my context should become an excuse. Every day creates the context of tomorrow, and having the numbers 3 and 1, and needing to get to the answer of 2, don’t be hardheaded and sticking to processes like adding up, that doesn’t work. I can not expect that, based on my context, mathematics should be changed completely to suit me and my context. So it becomes important to know myself and my context, but it should never be an excuse for not being adaptable to certain situations that needs another process which I am not fluent in and which does not come naturally. Knowing your tendencies to add up, go and create in yourself the ability to rise above your story and adapt.

Sometimes I become so irritated with my life because of the numbers I get, that doesn’t by adding up get to the answer I want. I become aggressive and depressed, not because of the wrong answer, but because of my inability to change my process. You have every right to feel comfortable with adding up, but life is not always about comfort, but is marked by the fact that you have to do everything in your power to get to the answer you require. Sometimes I must dig deep, and sometimes get the help of my calculator or Excel to help me, as long as I am willing to acknowledge that I need to adapt to my situation to get to the right answer. There are many ways to skin a cat, and we live in a world where we have so much information which helps us in this adaption process. Things that can learn us to get out of our story and become multipliers, do division or subtract, rather that sticking to something that simply does not work.

The whole world revolves around communication, and I can only communicate if I know myself, my story, my context and my processes completely. This self knowledge will become the mirror that helps me to understand what is needed to change in any specific situation, to get to the required answer. I will know what I can pack into my backpack that I can use, and what will not be useful in my life.

So today, go and find out what your story is, and how your head works. Go do the same with the people in your life. Handle people with love and compassion, and do not judge their stories, they can’t change it. Give the people around you numbers that put them at ease and where they can use their context-based processes to get to the desired answers. Make life easier for yourself and those around you by going downstream instead of challenging people to go up-stream. Be adaptable and try new methods in your equations, because if your answer is not correct, the problem is not the numbers, they are fixed, but what you do with them.

Go and have a wonderful day!