I love the series “Chuck”, and I am fortunate to have been watching the new season online. What is strange though, is while you watch the episodes one after another; every episode begins with a summary of what happened up to that point. This is done, because naturally people watch these episodes not one after the other, but on a weekly basis when it is broadcast, and people tend to forget what happened previously. This summary not only summaries the previous episode, but also what happened in episodes before that. It is logical that if you do not know the context of what happened, you will have no clue as to what is about to happen in the current episode.
The definition of context is information of things that happened in the past that shed light on the understanding of the current situation. It is the story of people’s journey and what brought them to this point, their thinking, ideas and culture. Context is important because without the story, I am sure to make assumptions, and the current episode I am watching will make no sense. My great grandmother used to say: “Child, you have no idea how somebody’s feet feel if you have not walked in their shoes”.
In psychiatry sessions, the therapist asks questions. There are many jokes about this, but they do it for a reason. You are not where you are by accident. There is a story behind the story, and your story gives us the answer about why you are here. It tells us why you feel like you do and what caused this feeling, why you are acting the way you are and how you are going to handle things in the future and react to situations. Every single person has a context or a story.
To explain the context further, let us use the example of making sums. Let us for example use the number 2 as our answer. My question about the context helps me to understand what happened above the line that led to the answer. It is that a-ha moment where you understand that the other person added up 1 and 1 to get to 2. Context is important, because it helps us to understand the full equation.
I can therefore only understand those around me completely, when I understand their full equation. We know what happens when we “assume”, we make an ass of u and me. There are also many ways to get to the answer of 2, you can also deduct 1 from 3. But that is your natural way to get to the answer of 2, but that is not the only way.
In your own existence, and in relationships with other people, we know that you first have to understand before you can be understood. Many relationships end in disaster because of a lack of knowledge about the other person’s context. There might be many reasons, but there are two main reasons for this. The first is obviously assumptions (thinking that everybody thinks and acts in the same manner as me, and look at the world through the same colored glasses as me), and also the inability to accept the other individuals way of thinking and doing as another option on how to get to the answer. Then we also tend to manipulate them to do things the way I do them.
In both situations, leaving out the context has nothing to do with the other person, but has to do with me. Not to take the context into account tends to show that I do not care. In my career in sales, I have learned that to build trust in the customer, I need to let them tell me their story. Where they come from, how many children they have, where they went to school etc. People love it when we ask them to tell us their stories. Although our aim is selfish is sales, you can only sell to people that trust you, and the easiest way to gain trust is by asking them about their context. The principle is the same in every relationship that I am involved in. People that care and who love us, are interested in my stories and they give me the opportunity to tell them.
When we allow people to tell their stories, it is acknowledgement of their humanity. It is being interested in people and accepting that everybody has his or her own story. And the more you cultivate the storytelling process, the more people will trust you and the more you will get to know somebody. The more you know about somebody, the better your relationship will be.
It is like your wife coming home from work in a bad mood. By enquiring about the background, and hearing the story that her boss asked her to do something at the last moment just before she wanted to leave, sheds light on the situation. If I do not give her the opportunity to tell her story, she would feel that I can see her mood, but that I do not care enough to ask. Furthermore, I might assume that I did something wrong and that I was somehow at fault.
By asking questions, you understand the situations you are in so much better. You can get to know how somebody “works”; you sit with the answer of 2, but if you know that you are working with an “adding” person, will help you a lot. You will then know that, because they work in a certain way, and you want a certain answer, give them numbers that they can add up. Although people might surprise you from time to time, we are creatures of habit, and in most situations will act the same way over and over again. They might want to be subtracting people, but they can not always go back into history and change their basic make-up.
It is a much more peaceful method to handle people the way they are, as to expect from people not to be similar to their context, and to be something that they are not. I can therefore not criticize people for their context, because a lot of their behavior is not always their own choice. I must accept people as they are, and not how I expect them to be, which is true love. What does it really matter if somebody is an add up person and I am a subtracting person, as long as we get to the same answer that satisfies both of us.
We can always learn to communicate better, but for this we need to know the other person. If I am in a situation and I have the numbers 3 and 1, and I know that the other person is an add up person, I can help them to understand that in this situation, they need to bend over backwards, and subtract. I am not doing this to be critical about who they are and that they are wrong, but in being adaptable to the information at hand, and understanding that adding up will not work here. Trust also plays a big role, being trusted to lead somebody with love on how to get to the correct answers by changing the method that they are used to.
Furthermore, if you require the answer of 2, and you know that the other person will most probably add the two numbers given together, don’t be stupid to give them two numbers that will not add up and call them stupid. Rather give them numbers that will lead to the correct answer. This type of behavior will also lead to more trust, because you acknowledge the other person by giving them a stress-free exercise, devoid of any drama and critique.
We know the saying: “Every whore has her story”. Although I have a context of my own, it doesn’t mean that my context should become an excuse. Every day creates the context of tomorrow, and having the numbers 3 and 1, and needing to get to the answer of 2, don’t be hardheaded and sticking to processes like adding up, that doesn’t work. I can not expect that, based on my context, mathematics should be changed completely to suit me and my context. So it becomes important to know myself and my context, but it should never be an excuse for not being adaptable to certain situations that needs another process which I am not fluent in and which does not come naturally. Knowing your tendencies to add up, go and create in yourself the ability to rise above your story and adapt.
Sometimes I become so irritated with my life because of the numbers I get, that doesn’t by adding up get to the answer I want. I become aggressive and depressed, not because of the wrong answer, but because of my inability to change my process. You have every right to feel comfortable with adding up, but life is not always about comfort, but is marked by the fact that you have to do everything in your power to get to the answer you require. Sometimes I must dig deep, and sometimes get the help of my calculator or Excel to help me, as long as I am willing to acknowledge that I need to adapt to my situation to get to the right answer. There are many ways to skin a cat, and we live in a world where we have so much information which helps us in this adaption process. Things that can learn us to get out of our story and become multipliers, do division or subtract, rather that sticking to something that simply does not work.
The whole world revolves around communication, and I can only communicate if I know myself, my story, my context and my processes completely. This self knowledge will become the mirror that helps me to understand what is needed to change in any specific situation, to get to the required answer. I will know what I can pack into my backpack that I can use, and what will not be useful in my life.
So today, go and find out what your story is, and how your head works. Go do the same with the people in your life. Handle people with love and compassion, and do not judge their stories, they can’t change it. Give the people around you numbers that put them at ease and where they can use their context-based processes to get to the desired answers. Make life easier for yourself and those around you by going downstream instead of challenging people to go up-stream. Be adaptable and try new methods in your equations, because if your answer is not correct, the problem is not the numbers, they are fixed, but what you do with them.
Go and have a wonderful day!
Monday, January 30, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Phone wars
When I was young, living in South Africa, my parents and their friends fell into 3 factions. You had your Mercedes-Benz fans, then you had your BMW fans, and the third group that chose Japanese, American and British cars. I remember how they spent nights arguing about durability, specifications and second hand value. Even after all these years, my parents will only be happy when I buy a Mercedes.
Today it seems we have the same situation when it comes to smart phones. You have your BBM-ers on the one side, your i-phone application junkies and your Android fans on the other side. Everywhere we see how people are trying to convince the others about how wonderful their phone is. When you have a Blackberry, you are always convinced that BBM is the best thing in the world, and people with i-phones tell you that they use Whatsup. The i-phone junkies will tell you about the wonderful interaction between their phones, i-pad and i-pod.
We live in a world with so many choices. When cellphones came out in our country, almost everybody had those Nokia brick phones. It was huge and impractical, but you could phone, receive calls and SMS. It was a wonderful time and everybody thought it was amazing.
When we have limited choices, it is never necessary for you to convince anybody about anything, but when we have choices and make them, we feel obliged to convince other people about those choices. It is a given that we want to tell people why we do things, and also try to convince them to buy things that we bought. That is probably where the idea of “word of mouth marketing” comes from.
In every industry, cellphones included, people start publishing magazines and articles that compare and make suggestions to those who do not have the necessary knowledge on the subject. This phone is faster than that phone, this one has problems and so on. It is necessary for us as laymen to have this type of information for us to make an informed decision. But it can also be confusing, that I might decide to wait, rather than upgrade, because of my uncertainty.
Every day of our lives we are bombarded, not only when it comes to cellphones, but relationships, work, education of our kids, exercise programs, diets, religion, restaurants, holidays, friends, insurance policies, investments and self growth.
Clever people sit around all over the world and think up new specifications for every thing around us. Specifications that they think will give them the edge over competitors, and to make us buy their product, rather than that of the competitor. Because of this, the moment you choose your phone and upgrade, there is already a new model on its way, and you are already “behind”.
The strange thing is that ordinary people only use a fraction of the technology available on their phones. We wait and pay for things we think we might use, when it is not a necessity. A lot of the technology that we have might also have a negative effect on you. As with BBM, Whatsup and SMS’s, we don’t need to talk anymore, we text. And using the abbreviated communication method leads to a generation that can not spell.
Every day there is something new, and you can never be totally at the front of the pact when it comes to technology.
We live in a “confused” society. On every level we stand in a supermarket with so many ideas and options. Specifications that confuse us, things you understand and things you don’t, and many things you stress about that you will never use, but loose sleep over.
A couple of things we might learn in this confusing world from these cellphone wars:
There will always be different opinions, because people are different. It is part of being human, but just because my friend uses a Blackberry and I use a HTC, doesn’t have to change anything in our friendship. We can still phone each other and we can use Whatsup.
Differences and competition between people and products is a good thing, because it leads to innovation, thinking and something to strive for, and becoming better people. If everybody was the same, how boring life would have been.
Just because somebody is not on the same technology platform as my Blackberry, doesn’t mean that they are worse off than me. In the time after by Blackberry got stolen, I used my old Nokia, and my life didn’t end. I could still live, phone and take part in the rat-race. So in life, we never have to stand back in shame over my technology, knowledge, place in the world etc. In the same way I may never look down on anybody who is not at my “level”, or who don’t have what I have. Just because somebody can not BBM or Whatsup, I can still SMS the joke to them, or just tell the joke in person.
There is no phone or idea in the world that is the “ultimate”. Nobody has the final answer. Functionality and practicality at that specific moment, is the correct answer for me.
I should also be open to new ideas and technology. So many people still walk around with their brick-phone-ideas. No battery life at all, and I am unreachable. Look at the new opportunities around you, because the idea of new innovations is to make life easier and more enjoyable. Look at it, it is free, why not use it to your advantage? Be open to new ideas and new things. Nothing in life is constant, everything changes, and you might like the change that a new idea brings to your life.
Choose only what you can handle. So many phones out there have functions that we can not handle. We must also be careful not to open ourselves up to things that don’t work for us, that actually create more stress than enjoyment. I can have the fanciest phone, but if I do not know how to operate it, I will not even be able to make a call, and how does that help me?
There is also no phone available that can not break. They do have guarantees on them, but only for a limited time, and not forever. So we know that just because something exists today, it may not work until the end of time. Nothing is guaranteed. So you must be ready for new ideas and understand that what you know and think now, may not be true for ever. But, just because your ideas might become outdated, or break, it doesn’t mean that I should keep by phone in the packaging in a closet. Use what you have now and enjoy every minute. Nobody can see into the future, but just because the future is uncertain and might include breakage, use what you have today and phone. If I don’t use my phone today out of fear of breakage, it is already outdated and broken.
Somewhere, you have to make choices. Just because there are many phones on the market, and I am waiting for the “best” one, I will never have a phone. Sometimes I am guided by the package I am on, the one that I like the most, or the one that fits neatly in my hand, and not the specification level of the phone. You have to choose so that you can be part of life. Nobody can live without ever taking a stand, which makes you unreachable.
In the end, you have to enjoy the privilege to be in contact with other people. Enjoy your phone, and use it to capacity. Phone, BBM, Whatsup, Go onto the internet, download applications and games. Enjoy what you have without worrying and stressing about what you do not have available. It doesn’t matter which phone you have, don’t take it so serious, it is in the end just a phone or an idea. Go make the best of what you have, millions of people in the world are extremely happy, even if they don’t have an i-phone 4. Don’t wait for things to fall into place before you engage in life, before you take part in the wonderful conversations with people, irrespective what phone they have or who they are. Life is here and now, let your voice be heard, and also your laughter, irrespective if you have the ability to BBM.
Go live, go and laugh, go enjoy your day!
Today it seems we have the same situation when it comes to smart phones. You have your BBM-ers on the one side, your i-phone application junkies and your Android fans on the other side. Everywhere we see how people are trying to convince the others about how wonderful their phone is. When you have a Blackberry, you are always convinced that BBM is the best thing in the world, and people with i-phones tell you that they use Whatsup. The i-phone junkies will tell you about the wonderful interaction between their phones, i-pad and i-pod.
We live in a world with so many choices. When cellphones came out in our country, almost everybody had those Nokia brick phones. It was huge and impractical, but you could phone, receive calls and SMS. It was a wonderful time and everybody thought it was amazing.
When we have limited choices, it is never necessary for you to convince anybody about anything, but when we have choices and make them, we feel obliged to convince other people about those choices. It is a given that we want to tell people why we do things, and also try to convince them to buy things that we bought. That is probably where the idea of “word of mouth marketing” comes from.
In every industry, cellphones included, people start publishing magazines and articles that compare and make suggestions to those who do not have the necessary knowledge on the subject. This phone is faster than that phone, this one has problems and so on. It is necessary for us as laymen to have this type of information for us to make an informed decision. But it can also be confusing, that I might decide to wait, rather than upgrade, because of my uncertainty.
Every day of our lives we are bombarded, not only when it comes to cellphones, but relationships, work, education of our kids, exercise programs, diets, religion, restaurants, holidays, friends, insurance policies, investments and self growth.
Clever people sit around all over the world and think up new specifications for every thing around us. Specifications that they think will give them the edge over competitors, and to make us buy their product, rather than that of the competitor. Because of this, the moment you choose your phone and upgrade, there is already a new model on its way, and you are already “behind”.
The strange thing is that ordinary people only use a fraction of the technology available on their phones. We wait and pay for things we think we might use, when it is not a necessity. A lot of the technology that we have might also have a negative effect on you. As with BBM, Whatsup and SMS’s, we don’t need to talk anymore, we text. And using the abbreviated communication method leads to a generation that can not spell.
Every day there is something new, and you can never be totally at the front of the pact when it comes to technology.
We live in a “confused” society. On every level we stand in a supermarket with so many ideas and options. Specifications that confuse us, things you understand and things you don’t, and many things you stress about that you will never use, but loose sleep over.
A couple of things we might learn in this confusing world from these cellphone wars:
There will always be different opinions, because people are different. It is part of being human, but just because my friend uses a Blackberry and I use a HTC, doesn’t have to change anything in our friendship. We can still phone each other and we can use Whatsup.
Differences and competition between people and products is a good thing, because it leads to innovation, thinking and something to strive for, and becoming better people. If everybody was the same, how boring life would have been.
Just because somebody is not on the same technology platform as my Blackberry, doesn’t mean that they are worse off than me. In the time after by Blackberry got stolen, I used my old Nokia, and my life didn’t end. I could still live, phone and take part in the rat-race. So in life, we never have to stand back in shame over my technology, knowledge, place in the world etc. In the same way I may never look down on anybody who is not at my “level”, or who don’t have what I have. Just because somebody can not BBM or Whatsup, I can still SMS the joke to them, or just tell the joke in person.
There is no phone or idea in the world that is the “ultimate”. Nobody has the final answer. Functionality and practicality at that specific moment, is the correct answer for me.
I should also be open to new ideas and technology. So many people still walk around with their brick-phone-ideas. No battery life at all, and I am unreachable. Look at the new opportunities around you, because the idea of new innovations is to make life easier and more enjoyable. Look at it, it is free, why not use it to your advantage? Be open to new ideas and new things. Nothing in life is constant, everything changes, and you might like the change that a new idea brings to your life.
Choose only what you can handle. So many phones out there have functions that we can not handle. We must also be careful not to open ourselves up to things that don’t work for us, that actually create more stress than enjoyment. I can have the fanciest phone, but if I do not know how to operate it, I will not even be able to make a call, and how does that help me?
There is also no phone available that can not break. They do have guarantees on them, but only for a limited time, and not forever. So we know that just because something exists today, it may not work until the end of time. Nothing is guaranteed. So you must be ready for new ideas and understand that what you know and think now, may not be true for ever. But, just because your ideas might become outdated, or break, it doesn’t mean that I should keep by phone in the packaging in a closet. Use what you have now and enjoy every minute. Nobody can see into the future, but just because the future is uncertain and might include breakage, use what you have today and phone. If I don’t use my phone today out of fear of breakage, it is already outdated and broken.
Somewhere, you have to make choices. Just because there are many phones on the market, and I am waiting for the “best” one, I will never have a phone. Sometimes I am guided by the package I am on, the one that I like the most, or the one that fits neatly in my hand, and not the specification level of the phone. You have to choose so that you can be part of life. Nobody can live without ever taking a stand, which makes you unreachable.
In the end, you have to enjoy the privilege to be in contact with other people. Enjoy your phone, and use it to capacity. Phone, BBM, Whatsup, Go onto the internet, download applications and games. Enjoy what you have without worrying and stressing about what you do not have available. It doesn’t matter which phone you have, don’t take it so serious, it is in the end just a phone or an idea. Go make the best of what you have, millions of people in the world are extremely happy, even if they don’t have an i-phone 4. Don’t wait for things to fall into place before you engage in life, before you take part in the wonderful conversations with people, irrespective what phone they have or who they are. Life is here and now, let your voice be heard, and also your laughter, irrespective if you have the ability to BBM.
Go live, go and laugh, go enjoy your day!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Creating Karma
Karma is by definition an action or deed that creates a whole new set of cause and effect. It is like throwing a little stone in a pond that creates a new ripple, influencing all the other circles already in motion. This is also sometimes known as “the butterfly effect”, which means that if a butterfly flaps its wings somewhere, at some stage it becomes a howling wind somewhere else.
In the western world, we have for a long time not used these terms, because of our background and the idea that it is of Eastern origin. But we have started to realize every day that it doesn’t matter what name you call this concept by, every action of every day, and every word I use influences our world. Every moment a new ripple effect starts and influences my partner, my children and the whole world.
Throughout the Bible we see the concept of cause and effect. From Adam and Eve, through Genesis, the Old Testament and Jesus, up to Revelations and the final judgement. Everything starts with a small little rock of my thoughts and attitude. The bible tells us explicitly to keep guard of our thoughts. Whatever you might think of the “law of attraction”, the Bible says that even when something is just a thought, it can already be sinful.
I have experienced this first hand this week. I am in the process of buying a new car, and I have an idea what price range I am looking at. So I spent some time on the “Autotrader” website and more or less made up my mind what type of car I want to buy, that is good value for money. What is interesting is the fact that, although it is good value for money, I have not noticed a lot of these cars on the road. Since I looked at them on the website, you can not believe how many of them I have seen this week, even in the white color that I am interested in.
Was this coincidence, or did I manifest through my mind that there is suddenly more of these cars on the road? No, but by me becoming conscious of the car, had an influence on my brain and I have started noticing and seeing them. That made me realize how important it is what I allow and what I think in my life. To go even further, I told a friend of mine about buying one of these cars, and he also started noticing more and more of them on the road. What this tells us is that not only did my consciousness have an influence on my behavior, but also on the behavior of others, it snowballs, which makes it even more dangerous what I think.
So I was wondering to myself that if this was true about something as small as this example, how many other ideas and thoughts do I carry with me that lead to my happiness and unhappiness? Do I really understand the power of my thoughts? How much Karma do I create every day around me, and do I take responsibility for the rocks that I throw? Am I conscious of the fact that the rocks that others throw into the pond will automatically have a ripple effect and influence my ripples?
It would seem that the things that we learn as “new thoughts” in our times about spirituality, is nothing new. In most of the ancient writings, including the Bible, we learn about this concept and about our responsibility. Look out what you say, look out what you think, because there will be an effect on the world around me.
To explain it further, one of my friends told me about something that happened in her relationship the other day. She and her boyfriend went to visit her parents for some reason I can not remember. Her boyfriend was irritated all day long, and halfway through the visit, he asked her if they can leave. As you might imagine, there was a little of an atmosphere in the car back home. When they got home, they started talking about what happened and each one had their say about their feelings and how they experienced the situation. You see, Karma was created, because now every time they are invited to her parents, she is going to have doubts about if they can go or if they should rather stay at home.
Now it becomes even a bigger “issue”, as in the talk she mentioned that it is not that great for her to visit his parents. Loose words, maybe said out of retaliation or ego, but words that cut deep and that will create drama for the rest of their relationship.
In our training as psychologists and pastors, we are taught that people must be able to speak their minds and tell the other person exactly how you feel. You can only be in a relationship, when you can work out your differences. In a perfect world, this might be great. But after many years of my life, I am starting to question this action. You see, every word that you use to “work things out”, doesn’t always land with a person that trusts you completely. What usually happens is that we become so entangled in the argument that we keep on creating more and more karma that needs more and more time to sort out.
The problem might be deeper than what I am putting it there, but in practice this is a huge problem. Yes, your husband might not be the most romantic person in the world, but telling him that might bring more and more drama. Every time when there is a special occasion and he feels like doing something, your accusation might make him uneasy, for the fear of criticism. On your side, when he does bring you flowers, you might think that he is not doing it from the heart, but because you asked him to do it. So, through one observation you start an evil circle of karma. You feel that you are not important enough, because he does not satisfy your expectations, and him feeling humiliated and judged, and therefore rather do nothing.
We all remember how wonderful those first couple of weeks and moths of a relationship are. Such a relaxed atmosphere, without any criticism, judgements or fights. Naturally, this is the time of getting to know the other person, but to what end. In all relationships, there are some things that start creeping up to you on what you do not like in the other person, and we start telling each other to stop doing this and that.
After a couple of years, we have forgotten altogether what the things were that brought us together. In that “honeymoon” faze of the relationship that we enjoyed so much, we looked at reasons to be together. Later on in relationships, we see that people tend to start looking at reasons not to be together anymore. So we create a snowball effect.
It doesn’t just have to do with talking about issues, but in the way that what I do and say, and how that makes them feel. Somebody once said: “If what you want to do or say doesn’t have a positive contribution to the relationship, don’t do it and don’t say it”!
We also live in a society with lots of urban legends surrounding relationships. Men believe that women are a certain way, and therefore no relationship will ever be easy. Just listen when you are with the boys, how you are bombarded with complaints about how bad their relationships are. It was surprising that one of my best friends, who are now in a great relationship, is turning our ideas around, because we stopped believing that all relationships are hard and complicated. This type of behavior inspires us to make our own relationships better.
What we need to understand is the fact that it is not only us that create karma in our own lives, but also what we allow to influence us from the outside. This happens naturally, and we don’t even realize it. I can remember when I was a pastor, listening to so many couples and their problems, that I also started believing that no marriage can be a success. We talk about our kids about “peer pressure”, but are we so much different in our conduct every day?
I always use the example of smoking. If I am always surrounded by only smokers, I start believing that smoking is the norm. If I am somewhere where I am the only smoker, I will not think that it is the norm. We must be careful where and with what types of people we spend our time. You are not an island; those influences are around you all the time. Do not believe everything that people around you tell you. Always remember that it is their problems from their perspective, if you have to interact with people that can influence you negatively. The other alternative would be to cut all contact with these people. Nobody has the right to judge other people, but this is not judgement, it is just a conscious choice you make for your own good.
Every word and action leads to karma. It not just only leads to karma here and now, but it influences the whole world around you. It influences your attitude towards things, which in turn leads to other words and actions, which you can never take back. Once a word has been said, the stone has been cast, and you can not stop it from making its ripples.
Also be mindful of the fact that, although you are not the only one that casts stones, you can not blame others for what happens in your life. Every one of us has is a small pond, and we need to erect a fence around it which only allow those that we want to allow. We also have to make sure that people read the sign at our pond which says: “Right of admission reserved”. It is your pond, your responsibility and your life.
Do not allow others to do there as they please and vandalize your property, you have the right to throw them out. Also understand that it is you and you alone that gave them permission to enter. Not only people, but ideas.
Too many people give in to the vandalism of others. Too many people come crying to others about the vandalism. Remember, it is your pond and your pond is your responsibility. And when you go and visit another pond, or you decide to merge ponds, make sure that you are careful, and that the rocks that you throw has a calming and beneficial influence on the pond, and does not create negative karma for you and the people around you.
Remember to erect your sign: “Right of Admission Reserved” at your dam, allow only what is beneficial to visit you in person or ideas, and when visiting other ponds, remember your responsibility and what you are creating in others.
In the western world, we have for a long time not used these terms, because of our background and the idea that it is of Eastern origin. But we have started to realize every day that it doesn’t matter what name you call this concept by, every action of every day, and every word I use influences our world. Every moment a new ripple effect starts and influences my partner, my children and the whole world.
Throughout the Bible we see the concept of cause and effect. From Adam and Eve, through Genesis, the Old Testament and Jesus, up to Revelations and the final judgement. Everything starts with a small little rock of my thoughts and attitude. The bible tells us explicitly to keep guard of our thoughts. Whatever you might think of the “law of attraction”, the Bible says that even when something is just a thought, it can already be sinful.
I have experienced this first hand this week. I am in the process of buying a new car, and I have an idea what price range I am looking at. So I spent some time on the “Autotrader” website and more or less made up my mind what type of car I want to buy, that is good value for money. What is interesting is the fact that, although it is good value for money, I have not noticed a lot of these cars on the road. Since I looked at them on the website, you can not believe how many of them I have seen this week, even in the white color that I am interested in.
Was this coincidence, or did I manifest through my mind that there is suddenly more of these cars on the road? No, but by me becoming conscious of the car, had an influence on my brain and I have started noticing and seeing them. That made me realize how important it is what I allow and what I think in my life. To go even further, I told a friend of mine about buying one of these cars, and he also started noticing more and more of them on the road. What this tells us is that not only did my consciousness have an influence on my behavior, but also on the behavior of others, it snowballs, which makes it even more dangerous what I think.
So I was wondering to myself that if this was true about something as small as this example, how many other ideas and thoughts do I carry with me that lead to my happiness and unhappiness? Do I really understand the power of my thoughts? How much Karma do I create every day around me, and do I take responsibility for the rocks that I throw? Am I conscious of the fact that the rocks that others throw into the pond will automatically have a ripple effect and influence my ripples?
It would seem that the things that we learn as “new thoughts” in our times about spirituality, is nothing new. In most of the ancient writings, including the Bible, we learn about this concept and about our responsibility. Look out what you say, look out what you think, because there will be an effect on the world around me.
To explain it further, one of my friends told me about something that happened in her relationship the other day. She and her boyfriend went to visit her parents for some reason I can not remember. Her boyfriend was irritated all day long, and halfway through the visit, he asked her if they can leave. As you might imagine, there was a little of an atmosphere in the car back home. When they got home, they started talking about what happened and each one had their say about their feelings and how they experienced the situation. You see, Karma was created, because now every time they are invited to her parents, she is going to have doubts about if they can go or if they should rather stay at home.
Now it becomes even a bigger “issue”, as in the talk she mentioned that it is not that great for her to visit his parents. Loose words, maybe said out of retaliation or ego, but words that cut deep and that will create drama for the rest of their relationship.
In our training as psychologists and pastors, we are taught that people must be able to speak their minds and tell the other person exactly how you feel. You can only be in a relationship, when you can work out your differences. In a perfect world, this might be great. But after many years of my life, I am starting to question this action. You see, every word that you use to “work things out”, doesn’t always land with a person that trusts you completely. What usually happens is that we become so entangled in the argument that we keep on creating more and more karma that needs more and more time to sort out.
The problem might be deeper than what I am putting it there, but in practice this is a huge problem. Yes, your husband might not be the most romantic person in the world, but telling him that might bring more and more drama. Every time when there is a special occasion and he feels like doing something, your accusation might make him uneasy, for the fear of criticism. On your side, when he does bring you flowers, you might think that he is not doing it from the heart, but because you asked him to do it. So, through one observation you start an evil circle of karma. You feel that you are not important enough, because he does not satisfy your expectations, and him feeling humiliated and judged, and therefore rather do nothing.
We all remember how wonderful those first couple of weeks and moths of a relationship are. Such a relaxed atmosphere, without any criticism, judgements or fights. Naturally, this is the time of getting to know the other person, but to what end. In all relationships, there are some things that start creeping up to you on what you do not like in the other person, and we start telling each other to stop doing this and that.
After a couple of years, we have forgotten altogether what the things were that brought us together. In that “honeymoon” faze of the relationship that we enjoyed so much, we looked at reasons to be together. Later on in relationships, we see that people tend to start looking at reasons not to be together anymore. So we create a snowball effect.
It doesn’t just have to do with talking about issues, but in the way that what I do and say, and how that makes them feel. Somebody once said: “If what you want to do or say doesn’t have a positive contribution to the relationship, don’t do it and don’t say it”!
We also live in a society with lots of urban legends surrounding relationships. Men believe that women are a certain way, and therefore no relationship will ever be easy. Just listen when you are with the boys, how you are bombarded with complaints about how bad their relationships are. It was surprising that one of my best friends, who are now in a great relationship, is turning our ideas around, because we stopped believing that all relationships are hard and complicated. This type of behavior inspires us to make our own relationships better.
What we need to understand is the fact that it is not only us that create karma in our own lives, but also what we allow to influence us from the outside. This happens naturally, and we don’t even realize it. I can remember when I was a pastor, listening to so many couples and their problems, that I also started believing that no marriage can be a success. We talk about our kids about “peer pressure”, but are we so much different in our conduct every day?
I always use the example of smoking. If I am always surrounded by only smokers, I start believing that smoking is the norm. If I am somewhere where I am the only smoker, I will not think that it is the norm. We must be careful where and with what types of people we spend our time. You are not an island; those influences are around you all the time. Do not believe everything that people around you tell you. Always remember that it is their problems from their perspective, if you have to interact with people that can influence you negatively. The other alternative would be to cut all contact with these people. Nobody has the right to judge other people, but this is not judgement, it is just a conscious choice you make for your own good.
Every word and action leads to karma. It not just only leads to karma here and now, but it influences the whole world around you. It influences your attitude towards things, which in turn leads to other words and actions, which you can never take back. Once a word has been said, the stone has been cast, and you can not stop it from making its ripples.
Also be mindful of the fact that, although you are not the only one that casts stones, you can not blame others for what happens in your life. Every one of us has is a small pond, and we need to erect a fence around it which only allow those that we want to allow. We also have to make sure that people read the sign at our pond which says: “Right of admission reserved”. It is your pond, your responsibility and your life.
Do not allow others to do there as they please and vandalize your property, you have the right to throw them out. Also understand that it is you and you alone that gave them permission to enter. Not only people, but ideas.
Too many people give in to the vandalism of others. Too many people come crying to others about the vandalism. Remember, it is your pond and your pond is your responsibility. And when you go and visit another pond, or you decide to merge ponds, make sure that you are careful, and that the rocks that you throw has a calming and beneficial influence on the pond, and does not create negative karma for you and the people around you.
Remember to erect your sign: “Right of Admission Reserved” at your dam, allow only what is beneficial to visit you in person or ideas, and when visiting other ponds, remember your responsibility and what you are creating in others.
Talents
At the beginning of the year, everybody is making plans on what they are going to do with their year. At school and in churches, kids are told the stories about their talents and how they must fulfill their talents in the coming year. Two stories from the Bible are usually used, the one of the servant girls and the one of the slaves. The story about the slave girls surrounds the lamps that shed lights and what they do with it. Do they use it, or do they hide it. This means that we, including our talents, are the light to the world, and that we should not be hiding ourselves, but living our light for all to see.
The second story is about 3 slaves and their master. Although it is used as an analogy of the Kingdom of God, it is also relevant to our talents. The first slave is entrusted with 5 talents, the second 2 and the third only 1. After some time, the master returns to see what they have done with their talents. The first and second slave worked hard and doubled their money. The third, out of fear about loosing the money, buried the money and gave it back to the master. The story ends with the master giving the first two slaves even more, but taking away all that the third had.
As we tell these stories to our children, I was wondering by myself about what I am doing with my talents. You see, we have all sorts of talents, sport, socializing, the arts etc. If you look at how full our children’s days are in cultivating their talents, I was wondering what happened to my talents. I am not talking about dreams, by my talent in music and sport. It would seem that, when you grow up, you become so busy with your work and family, that there is no place for this anymore. We just do not have the time to go and live fully.
Looking around in the world, I was wondering if this was not perhaps the reason why people are so unhappy all the time. I am not taking away the fact that it does take talent to raise kids, and that your days are not filled with responsibilities. But in our examples of the slaves, it was the same thing. There were a lot of things that needed attention as part of their responsibilities to the master, but they did not forget about their talents and to attend to them as well.
Maybe it is because of that reason that we are not looking forward to the day ahead, and that which makes us unhappy about tomorrow. Are we not so caught up in the stress of everyday life and that we understand that the escape of medication etc. is not working? When last did you go and sit in front of your piano and enjoyed yourself playing for 5 minutes? When last did you take a clean canvas and painted?
The thing about talents is that it is part of you, and by applying these talents, you open up a part of yourself. Every person’s talent looks different, and some have more than others. But, it is part of who you are. But even more important in the lesson, is that if you do not apply these talents, the flame will be extinguished and it will be taken away from you. The reason being that if you don’t use it, what is the use of having it. I also understand that the older you get, you start to explore new things in yourself that become new “talents”. It has nothing to do with compiling a list of things you can do, I would pull a hamstring just thinking about running a 100m dash again. But maybe it is an example of the fact that I did not keep running, that I can’t anymore.
As the master of the slaves came back to ask reckoning of what was done, it is not necessarily God that comes to judge what we do, but sometimes the judgement lies in our everyday life. People are unhappy and sad and depressed with their lives. People feel that they have nothing more to live for. Then you see people of 70 years old pasting their paintings on facebook for all to see. My Uncle of 75 coming to South Africa for a month to give piano concerts. And if I look at these types of people living out their talents, I think that they are the happiest.
It is not only in the arts, but also in sport where I experience that my friends that run marathons or cycle, seem to be people finding life easier. They look and act a lot less unhappy and depressed. They look and feel healthy which in most cases spill over to their relationships, parenting and work. They are ecstatic from the joy they find in living out their talents.
We find it easy to preach to our children that it has nothing to do with how good you are in doing things, but that you are doing it. Finding joy is not that people will buy your paintings for millions, and not in winning the Comrades Marathon. Real joy lies in doing and enjoying what I do, and that I must start doing this before I preach to my kids about what they should do. Maybe this is why our children, when they grow up, don’t listen to us anymore, because of the fact that we do not practice what we preach! They just don’t believe us anymore, because if it worked so well, why don’t we do it all the time?
As example of this, I see my friends that are involved in sport, their children follow their passion automatically. I can remember that my love of tennis and golf came from my parents participating every weekend. I naturally had a choice to sit next to the field, but I decided to partake. These were the most wonderful time of my life, to do something with them together and spend a day doing something that we all loved. Their example motivated me to take part, because this was our life together, doing sport.
Maybe a lot of the unhappiness around us is because we don’t practice our talents. Years ago I took music lessons, but failing to play for the last couple of years, lead to the fact that I am struggling to even tune my guitar. Everything takes longer and is a bigger effort. Yesterday I was driving in Pretoria in Atterbury Road, and I saw an advertisement for music lessons for people that are a little bit older. And I thought about taking lessons again, to become a little bit more creative and to learn something new again, and to live my talents.
Maybe you have forgotten who and what you are. Did you maybe buried those talents that define you in the closet? Remember that it is never too late to start them again. It doesn’t matter if you become an international player, but that you are busy defining yourself and creating the person and world that you are happy with. We know the lesson that it is not about the prize, but the passion. Passion is what brings happiness, and the more passion, the more happiness and the more success. So many people go to the gym every day to build their bodies, loose fat and centimeters, but how many of them really enjoy being active? When you do anything with real passion, everything else, even the beach body will sort itself out.
Maybe you must go into that dusty closet and go and look for that racket, golf clubs, paper, canvas and paint. Go and dust them off. Maybe you must go and restring that guitar, or organize with the school or church to go and use the piano. Go find your passion for your talents, and maybe you will reconnect with who and what you really are. Maybe that passion will spill over to the rest of you life. Don’t wait, go do it NOW, and do it every day with passion. The judgement is not from the master or one day, you will feel it in your life NOW.
Enjoy your day!
The second story is about 3 slaves and their master. Although it is used as an analogy of the Kingdom of God, it is also relevant to our talents. The first slave is entrusted with 5 talents, the second 2 and the third only 1. After some time, the master returns to see what they have done with their talents. The first and second slave worked hard and doubled their money. The third, out of fear about loosing the money, buried the money and gave it back to the master. The story ends with the master giving the first two slaves even more, but taking away all that the third had.
As we tell these stories to our children, I was wondering by myself about what I am doing with my talents. You see, we have all sorts of talents, sport, socializing, the arts etc. If you look at how full our children’s days are in cultivating their talents, I was wondering what happened to my talents. I am not talking about dreams, by my talent in music and sport. It would seem that, when you grow up, you become so busy with your work and family, that there is no place for this anymore. We just do not have the time to go and live fully.
Looking around in the world, I was wondering if this was not perhaps the reason why people are so unhappy all the time. I am not taking away the fact that it does take talent to raise kids, and that your days are not filled with responsibilities. But in our examples of the slaves, it was the same thing. There were a lot of things that needed attention as part of their responsibilities to the master, but they did not forget about their talents and to attend to them as well.
Maybe it is because of that reason that we are not looking forward to the day ahead, and that which makes us unhappy about tomorrow. Are we not so caught up in the stress of everyday life and that we understand that the escape of medication etc. is not working? When last did you go and sit in front of your piano and enjoyed yourself playing for 5 minutes? When last did you take a clean canvas and painted?
The thing about talents is that it is part of you, and by applying these talents, you open up a part of yourself. Every person’s talent looks different, and some have more than others. But, it is part of who you are. But even more important in the lesson, is that if you do not apply these talents, the flame will be extinguished and it will be taken away from you. The reason being that if you don’t use it, what is the use of having it. I also understand that the older you get, you start to explore new things in yourself that become new “talents”. It has nothing to do with compiling a list of things you can do, I would pull a hamstring just thinking about running a 100m dash again. But maybe it is an example of the fact that I did not keep running, that I can’t anymore.
As the master of the slaves came back to ask reckoning of what was done, it is not necessarily God that comes to judge what we do, but sometimes the judgement lies in our everyday life. People are unhappy and sad and depressed with their lives. People feel that they have nothing more to live for. Then you see people of 70 years old pasting their paintings on facebook for all to see. My Uncle of 75 coming to South Africa for a month to give piano concerts. And if I look at these types of people living out their talents, I think that they are the happiest.
It is not only in the arts, but also in sport where I experience that my friends that run marathons or cycle, seem to be people finding life easier. They look and act a lot less unhappy and depressed. They look and feel healthy which in most cases spill over to their relationships, parenting and work. They are ecstatic from the joy they find in living out their talents.
We find it easy to preach to our children that it has nothing to do with how good you are in doing things, but that you are doing it. Finding joy is not that people will buy your paintings for millions, and not in winning the Comrades Marathon. Real joy lies in doing and enjoying what I do, and that I must start doing this before I preach to my kids about what they should do. Maybe this is why our children, when they grow up, don’t listen to us anymore, because of the fact that we do not practice what we preach! They just don’t believe us anymore, because if it worked so well, why don’t we do it all the time?
As example of this, I see my friends that are involved in sport, their children follow their passion automatically. I can remember that my love of tennis and golf came from my parents participating every weekend. I naturally had a choice to sit next to the field, but I decided to partake. These were the most wonderful time of my life, to do something with them together and spend a day doing something that we all loved. Their example motivated me to take part, because this was our life together, doing sport.
Maybe a lot of the unhappiness around us is because we don’t practice our talents. Years ago I took music lessons, but failing to play for the last couple of years, lead to the fact that I am struggling to even tune my guitar. Everything takes longer and is a bigger effort. Yesterday I was driving in Pretoria in Atterbury Road, and I saw an advertisement for music lessons for people that are a little bit older. And I thought about taking lessons again, to become a little bit more creative and to learn something new again, and to live my talents.
Maybe you have forgotten who and what you are. Did you maybe buried those talents that define you in the closet? Remember that it is never too late to start them again. It doesn’t matter if you become an international player, but that you are busy defining yourself and creating the person and world that you are happy with. We know the lesson that it is not about the prize, but the passion. Passion is what brings happiness, and the more passion, the more happiness and the more success. So many people go to the gym every day to build their bodies, loose fat and centimeters, but how many of them really enjoy being active? When you do anything with real passion, everything else, even the beach body will sort itself out.
Maybe you must go into that dusty closet and go and look for that racket, golf clubs, paper, canvas and paint. Go and dust them off. Maybe you must go and restring that guitar, or organize with the school or church to go and use the piano. Go find your passion for your talents, and maybe you will reconnect with who and what you really are. Maybe that passion will spill over to the rest of you life. Don’t wait, go do it NOW, and do it every day with passion. The judgement is not from the master or one day, you will feel it in your life NOW.
Enjoy your day!
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